A Traumatic Healing Moment.

Trauma isn't unfamiliar to me and I have been on the road to healing for a few years now. I keep hurting and I keep healing and I am beginning to understand that in order to process pain, I have to experience pain. It's overwhelming at times to experience the intolerable feelings and despite knowing that they are 'growing pains', the self is metamorphosizing into a new way of being, that it's the process of healing, at times there is an impulse to run away from this place and hide somewhere and stay hidden. And yet, it feels like this healing that is emerging within has a life of its own and I can no longer orchestrate what is coming my way; the pain taking care of itself in its own unique healing way.

I consider myself to be lucky to have found a friendship that offered safety and healing and gave me another chance to perceive myself differently from how I had believed I am. It also gave me a chance to experience myself in ways that were playing like inaudible songs within myself and it's almost like this person increased their volume.

Yet, what scares me is how this friendship that makes me feel safe in unimaginable ways has the power to completely blind me to its capacity to heal and re-wounds me in such a familiar way at times. It's a space that has so many moments hanging precariously between healing and hurting, where I blindly fall into the same place I have been striving to get out of.

Most of us don't understand how a new safe relationship that has the capacity to heal us can become unsafe in just a moment even when we are aware of the fact that we are transferring our traumatic feelings onto the new relationship. It literally takes less than a moment to feel unsafe when we are feeling safe.

So, what does this mean? A part of us is used to the traumatic feelings induced by our early experience of the 'other'. We internalise that dynamic we have experienced and it becomes a lens through which we perceive ourselves in relationships with other people. If we enter a new relationship that is different and safe, the safety attracts us to take a risk with this person and what a big risk it feels like, and yet the feeling of unsafety also gets activated and one feels overwhelming conflict within.

'Do I...