CAFE NOIR: ACCIDENTAL MARCHING ORDERS.

It all started with the killing of a journalist who was hiding, first in Dubai, then Nairobi. This murder prompted a press conference from the main intelligence chief saying it wasn't us, it was the Kenyan police. The journalist was shot 'accidentally', Kenyan police claimed; they swear they meant to kill someone else.

Then another TV anchor went into hiding abroad. This was of course long after another journalist had been picked up in July for anti-establishment remarks. As you know, the Kenyan police have a long history of 'accidentally' abducting journalists, dissidents and critics of state institutions throughout Pakistan's history.

But the accidents didn't stop there. Earlier this month, there was a shooting at Imran Khan's container as he made his way through Wazirabad on the Grand Trunk Road, killing one and leaving 14 injured, including Khan himself.

A single man with a pistol confessed that he had fired the bullets and a police report was eventually registered after almost four days and the involvement of the Supreme Court, but not to Khan's satisfaction. Khan wanted the incumbent prime minister Shehbaz Sharif, interior minister Rana Sanaullah - everyone's first choice whenever a mass shooting happens, just look at that moustache - and a major general's name to be added to the First Information Report (FIR), as those behind the plot to have him assassinated.

There's nothing so absurd about Pakistani politics that cannot be made worse by public statements...

The prime minister immediately responded by saying that he will have a judicial committee investigate the shooting, as the only plots that interest him are all in London.

The major general for the Kenyan police declined to comment.

Not to be left behind, in the middle of all this, Shah Mahmood Qureshi injured himself when his head hit an overhead bridge, presumably because it was built by the opposition.

The container and accomApanying cavalcade were headed for Islamabad. Yet again. First, Khan held the 'long march' from the Prime Minister's Office to Bani Gala. Then he took to the streets to protest against an 'imported' government, then against his disqualification in the Toshakhana case, and now he's calling for early elections.

The march was supposed to go from Lahore to Islamabad but then had to turn back to Lahore, then to Gujranwala, then to Wazirabad, then (if reports were to be believed) to Lala Musa and, finally realising why no one ever stops at Lala Musa, it may move...